by Archie M. Richards, Jr.
September 10, 2007

Is your spouse a gambler? Watch out! Without your knowing it, he or she may have become a problem gambler.

A problem gambler is preoccupied with gambling. He bets increasingly large amounts, tries unsuccessfully to stop, lies about his gambling, jeopardizes his job, jeopardizes personal relationships, and relies on others for money. Many problem gamblers are also addicted to alcohol, drugs, tobacco, or sex. The children of problem gamblers are likely to do poorly in school, become depressed, have drug problems, and become problem gamblers themselves.

Gambling cuts across all social spheres. Men tend to be action gamblers. They start young, preferring games of skill, such as stock trading, cards, craps, and sports.

Women are more likely escape gamblers, starting later in life. To avoid loneliness, depression, or a bad marriage, they engage in hypnotic games, such as slot machines, bingo, lottery, and video poker.

When the gambler wins, he showers his loved ones with gifts and expensive vacations.

When he loses, which is most of the time, the gambler chases losses, pawns property, dips into investment accounts, maxes out credit cards, and borrows heavily. No longer is money the means of buying necessary items. No longer is it a means of accomplishing goals, a measure of security, and a source of freedom. It is now the way to keep the gambler in action. At a certain point, the gambler no longer cares if he wins. The most important thing is taking risk.

In the desperation stage, health problems arise, relationships fall apart, and criminal behavior may begin.

Finally, in the hopeless stage, the gambler no longer believes he can be helped. Depression is common, and suicide becomes a genuine risk.

If your husband has become a gambler, he's not the man you fell in love with. No longer does he control his own life; he's now controlled by gambling. For a considerable time, the relationship between the two of you must change drastically. Here's what you should do:

• Attend Gam-Anon. (See www.gam-anon.org or call 718-352-1671.) Find out what qualities in you, if any, have enabled your husband to become a gambler. If you're co-signing loans and bailing him out, knock it off immediately.

• Obtain therapy, separately or together.

• Your husband should attend Gamblers Anonymous, several times a week at first. (www.gamblersanonymous.org. Tel. 213-386-8789.)

• Make sure the gambler doesn't open the mail. If the household bills aren't in evidence, he has a mailbox elsewhere. Find it and get control of all mail.

• Take over the payment of household bills.

• Cancel and destroy credit cards. Call (888) 5OPT-OUT to reduce credit card offers.

• Obtain your husband's permission to have his paychecks paid to you. Give him a small weekly allowance and arrange for Social Security checks to be paid electronically.

• Take control of the family's assets. Change the ownership of checking and savings accounts, investment accounts, insurance policies, homes, cars, and other personal property to your name. Avoid dual signatures; the gambler may be more skilled at forging signatures than you think. Withdraw funds from your husband's IRAs. Pay the penalties and move the assets into your name. Store valuables in a safe-deposit box to which the gambler has no access. If an inheritance is expected, better to disclaim it than to enable the gambler to regress. Get control of any severance pay. Annuitize income from pension plans, to prevent the taking of lump sums. Remember that a compulsive gambler's life is controlled by gambling. Until he's well on the way to recovery, he can't be trusted with money.

• Identify the people who have lent the gambler money. He should contact each creditor, explain his situation, and negotiate reduced payments, taking a second job to provide the funds. Repaying debts helps the gambler regain control of his life.

If your spouse is a gambler, you face a long period of difficulty. Suck it in, change yourself, and do everything you can to reverse the family's dynamics. Delay at your peril.